Monday, October 31, 2005

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 3, or Jon's 100th post spectacular

The audience remains in stunned silence as the Monkeyboy bounds through the curtains. Like a champion pugilist, the Monkeyboy shakes clasped fists in the air -- first to one side, then the other.

Jon: Wait a minute.

Monkeyboy: Howya doin' bwauth?

Jon: You're just a bit smaller than Jo Jo and you're clearly a lefty, not a righty. You're not Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, you're his brother MoJo.

MoJo: You got that right daddy-O. Who wants a banana daiquiri?

Jon: No thanks.

[Uncomfortable pause]

Jon: So, what brings you here?

MoJo: Oh, I'm just here representing the Monkeyboy clan. We were a very important part of your past few months worth of posts!

Jon: That's a part of my past few months that I'd rather not remember.

[MoJo ignores the comment and continues.]

MoJo: Your first post featuring my brother was here. You were offering fighting tips and you didn't have any to offer against Jo Jo. I gotta tell you, buddy boy, you're silly. You know Monkeyboys are lovers, not fighters! Hoo hoo ha ha ha!

Jon: Yeah, I don't know how to respond to that comment.

MoJo: Hoo hoo ha ha hah hah! You slay me, Jon. We have a little tape for you, buddy-o!

Art: Let's roll the tape.

Memories like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or that time has re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...

The way we were...

The way we were...

Art: Well, that was just...

Jon: ...Bad...

MoJo: Thanks! We had some third-year students at MIT-S put that tape together! Hoo hoo ha ha!

Jon: OK, MoJo, one last question.

MoJo: Shoot, Bilbo Bebop!

Jon: Why did you use Jo Jo's catchphrase?

MoJo: Oh that was just a swerve. Don't worry, You still my bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!

Art: MoJo the Monkeyboy everybody!

[The audience applauds in a sort of "Thank God it's over" way. MoJo walks off stage smiling and blowing kisses to the crowd.]

Art: Well that was exciting. Say Jon, are you ready for the final guest?

Jon: The last guest? Man, it seems like we just started.

Art: Well, we have a little bonus for you, the final guest is actually a group. Take a listen to this...

Voice 1: I almost had that damnable Earthling beat, but then he ripped out my cybernetic eye.

Voice 2: Ngraaaar! I will destroy him and everything in my way!

Voice 3: Megataur superior, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator inferior.

Voice 4: And so I says "It's time to burn, baby, burn!" Yeah!

Voice 5: I'm a gonna pounda you good, eh?

Voice 6: Nrgraaarrr! Smash boom bam! Ngraaarrr!

Voice 7: Ha ha ha ha! Of all of my cohorts here, I am the one who holds a win over Jon! And I'll do it again! Burble burble!

Voice 8: I smash him good! I disintegrate stupid comedy relief sidekick! Ha ha ha ha!

Jon: Well, that sounds like all of my opponents that I have faced and written about in my chronicles.

Art: That's right, let's bring out Lord EyeBorg, the colossal Rngarnghk, Megatuar, the New Killer Bomb, "Muscles" Marinara with his girlfriend Margarita Pisa, Freh-dee Mars, Octopus Prime and Abi the Butcher!

[The combatants come out onto stage elbowing each other and growling.]

Jon: Well, this is nice, all of my enemies here to see me.

Lord EyeBorg: Don't worry, Earth scum. Of course, all of us want to see you dead, but we all signed a no-compete clause with Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment. We can't do anything against you here.

New Killer Bomb: That's right, that's right I said you're gonna burn and burn real good, I says, but not tonight, baby! Yeah!

Jon: OK, that's nice.

"Muscles" Marinara: So we're going to all sing to you instead!

Megataur: Bring out all guests for song.

[Starkey, Captain Picard, Yoda, Fluke and MoJo all return to the stage, joined by the Beast, Professor X, J'onn Sinew Nu, Captain Dion X. Machina, Fiddy Cred, the Baroness, Captain James T. Kwirck, The Colonial Marines, Staley Da Bear®, Buck Rogers, Larry and Jake Bob Orkon, J J Jawa, Lieutenant Falcon and Princess Leia. Everyone on stage begins to sing.]

Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Does whatever an Intergalactic Gladiator can
He can fight all the time
For what's right and a rhyme
Hey there, there goes the Intergalactic Gladiator Man

Is he strong? Listen, bud
He's got A positive blood
Can he fight on Fire Isle?
Take a look at his personal file
Hey there, there goes the Intergalactic Gladiator Man

In the chill of night at the scene of a fight
Like a streak of light, the Danger Sled will take flight!

Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Friendly Intergalactic Gladiator, man
Fame and glory, he's ignored
Saving the Earth is his reward
To him, life is a great big slog
wherever there's a funny blog
You might find the Intergalactic Gladiator Man!

[Audience applauds; gives standing ovation]

Jon: Man, that was the biggest piece of sh--

Art Linklighter: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, that was "This is Your Life!" Good night everybody, see you next week!

The music starts, credits roll, and everyone on stage shakes hands and hugs each other.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Jon The Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 2

Art: Welcome back to the show, I'm Art Linklighter and with me today is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Jon, are you ready for your next guest?

Jon: Sure am. Who's up next?

Voice: This one a long time have I watched. All his life he looked away... to the future, to the horizon, to those dirty magazines under his bed. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. An Intergalactic Gladiator craves not these things.

Jon: I'd recognize that voice anywhere. That's Master Yoda.

[Yoda slowly hobbles out on onto stage with his cane, then drops it and pulls out his lightsaber. He ignites the weapon and goes through several quick moves. Each move is faster than the last, culminating into a spinning ball four feet in the air. The audience applauds with approval.]

Yoda: Thank you, thank you. Mr. Linklighter, for many years have I wanted to come on your show and perform. Now complete the circle is.

Art: Well, that was great. The audience surely enjoyed it, didn't you?

[Audience cheers]

[Applauding]Jon: Master Yoda, that was really something.

Yoda: Several times has the Intergalactic Gladiator and I crossed paths. The first time, he disturbed my vacation at my home on Dagobah.

Jon: You know, I seem to recall some sort of "Force" damaging my ship and drawing me to that planet. You then thought that I was someone else.

Yoda: interrupt your elders do not. Second dealing with Jon this was, sing a very lame song for me he did. Very annoying it was.

Jon: Well, I copied and pasted the only song about you that I knew. You seemed happy about it at the time.

Yoda: harrumph, capricious the Force makes me. When 800 years old you reach, see how much that song you like. Shortly thereafter, visit the Jedi Temple he did. Sing at the Temple Lounge he did, sing that song again he did. Very annoying this was.

Jon: You didn't like the show?

Yoda: No, afraid not I am. A rip off of your act at the Ten Forward that was, and a bad rip off of Bill Murray's lounge lizard act that was.

Jon: I see your point, Master Yoda. But don't you think you're being a little grouchy about it?

Yoda: Little? Little? A joke about my stature that is? Judge me by size, do you?

Jon: No no, I just thought you were being a bit of a grouch is all. I'm not trying to be a pig, you don't have to get all gonzo on me. The next time that I perform at the Jedi Temple, I assure you that I will not sing the Yoda song.

Yoda: Thank you for that I do.

Art: Yoda, ladies and gentlemen.

[Applause]

Art: Jon, are you ready for your next guest?

Jon: You bet. Who's it gonna be?

Voice: Howya doin' bwauth?

Jon: .....!
[Audience gasps]

To be continued on Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's 100th Post Spectacular...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Jon The Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 1

Art: Hello, I am Art Linklighter and welcome to "This is Your Life." Today's special guest comes to us from a planet called Earth, but he works on Hacknor where he entertains thousands of beings as an Intergalactic Gladiator. So let's give a big This it Your Life welcome to Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!

[applause, Jon steps through the curtains first bewildered by the crowd noise, then laughs and walks up to shake Art's hand]

Jon: Oh my God, I never expected this! I can't believe that I am here!

Art: Well, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, it should come as no surprise to you that you have many fans out there on the INTERgalactic Network of Engineered Transmissions.

Jon: Yeah, I call them my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators.

Art: I know, but do you know who this voice belongs to?

Voice: Battling alongside Earth Jon is good, yes? You are a worthy ally!

Jon: Why that sounds like my good friend Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm.

Starkey walks onto stage; he and Jon clasp hands.

Starkey: Remember good dinner I made for you? It was delicious and good, no?

Jon: No, uh, yes. It was something all right.

Starkey: Hey, you have not made good post of your good friend in long time. You must write of our adventures again, yes?

Jon: Good idea, maybe I could write about that one time at Flagnar V.

Starkey: Oh no! That was too crazy, no talking of that night for you and me! Ha ha ha!

Art: Well, that was just great. How about a big round of applause for Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm. Say Jon, are you ready for your next guest?

Jon: Sure am.

Art: Well, then listen to this!

Voice: It is the great unknown that brings humans here! Numbah one, engage!

Jon: That commanding presence, that deep baritone, that voice can only belong to one man: Sean Connery!

Captain Jean Luc Picard steps out on stage feigning anger, then quickly drops the facade to shake Jon's hand.

Picard: I know Jon well, as well as being frequent commentors on each other's blogs, we have visited each other a time or two.

Jon: Ah yes, you showed up naked at my home once and you left your photo album behind. I had to return it to you.

Picard: Ah, yes, that was an unfortunate and dreadful incident. I assure you that it would not happen again.

Jon: You know, you even invited me to sing at the Ten Forward, then stiffed me when it came time for payment. He said that my check was in his other uniform.

[Patting around his uniform tunic and pants] Picard: Looks like I forgot my chequebook once again. Aha, well, of course we humans of the 24th Century have evolved past the need for money.

Jon: Yeah, evidently your uniforms have evolved past the need for pockets as well.

Art: Jean Luc Picard, everybody. Let's give him a big round of applause. Are you ready to meet your next guest?

Jon: Sure, let's do this.

Voice: Remember, remember that one time when we went bronto tipping and I totally fell and got all goosed with mud?

Jon: Fluke?

[Fluke Starbucker stumbles through the curtains, raises the blastshield of his helmet to give a goofy and sheepish grin, then stumbles over to where Jon and Art are standing.]

Fluke: Hey Jon, what's up?

Jon: Not much, hey you know I'm on "This is Your Life" right now?

Fluke: Oh, yeah, that's so cool. Hey, remember that one time you fought Jabba the Hutt?

Jon: Uh, Fluke, that was you.

Fluke: Oh yeah, that was something. Hey, remember when you got The Mighty Might He Bite Me and you took Sprok as your Number One (snicker) and then you did stuff and then you were cured?

Jon: Again, that was you, Fluke.

Fluke: Oh yeah, that was way cool, too. How about, how about that time you tried to come out on stage and then you were like all caught up in the curtains and stuff?

Jon: Fluke, you just did that! [Gestures to curtains]

Fluke: Oh yeah, I had trouble seeing 'cuz of the blast shield and all and stuff.

Jon: Have you been eating Qui-Qon and JJ's Brownies?

Fluke: Heh heh heh ha ha ha ha heh heh. No, why?

Art: We'll be right back after these messages.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Final Battle on Asteroid X



Ripley and the Broodqueencyborg battled it out tooth and claw. It was servo against servo, monstrous alien evil teamed with a horrible, vile technology versus the gritty determination of the human spirit contained within an awkward robotic forklift. They fought as hard as the previous two sentences stated, with no quarter asked and no quarter given.

"Where'd she come from?" I asked.

"Oh, she's a civilian, we didn't want her coming with us and mucking up our military operation," answered a Colonial Marine. "She was on the dropship."

"Looks like she's saving our bacon," observed Cyclops.

"Everybody, this way!" called the Beast. "I found the way to the reactor core.

The remaining Marines, the X-Men and I headed through the entryway, down several levels into the reactor core. The core was humming with energy; bristling with power.

"Clearly, we need to overload the reactor and cause it to self-destruct," I said.

The Beast studied the giant constuct. "Cyclops, if you fire your optic blasts into the core, it will do just that," he surmised.

"But we'll all blow up, man! Game over, game over man!" complained a Marine.

"Not if I have this deduced correctly," the Beast answered. "Clearly, a device such as this will give us a countdown warning before the resulting explosion."

Cyclops shrugged and fired his eyebeams into the glowing core of the core. Energy in it's most deadly form erupted from the epicenter of the reactor.

A computer voice rang out "Power core overload, station will destruct in two minutes."

Beast and Cyclops looked at each other. "Let's get out of here!" they yelled.

"Oh man, game over! Hey, wait up!" the Marine chased after everyone else running out of the room.

"Power core overload, station will self destruct in one minute," the computer's female voice calmly warned.

Cyclops, the Beast, and I piled into the Danger Sled. The Marines quickly loaded up into their drop ship.

"Power core overload, station will self destruct in 30 seconds," the speakers blared.

I turned the ignition, it made a "whir whir whir" sound.

"You flooded the engine!" Cyclops exclaimed.

"28... 27..."

"I got it, I got it!" I yelled.

"Try holding the gas down, then turning the key," the Beast offered.

"21...20...19..."

"No no!" Cyclops yelled. "Turn the key on and off, on and off!"

"I got it! I got it!" I yelled again.

"15... 14... 13..."

The engines whirred and sputtered.

"Hold the gas down!" Cyclops yelled.

"Turn the key!" the Beast yelled.

"I got it! I got it!" I yelled once more.

"10... 9... 8...."

The engines sputtered again.

"7... 6... 5...."

Cyclops howled, the Beast yelled, I hollered.

"4... 3... 2... "

The engines sputtered. We all howled.

"...1...."

The power core exploded. The asteroid exploded.

_____________________________________________

I woke up and saw Ripley standing over me. I looked out the viewport, we were hurling through space in the Danger Sled.

I looked at her. "Are we going to sleep all the way home?" I asked.

"All the way home," Ripley soothed.

"And the two X-Men?" I asked.

"They're fine," she replied. "Cyclops radioed Professor Xavier a moment ago, now both are resting and recovering from the battle on the asteroid."

"So we're completely safe?" I asked.

"Of course," she looked a little puzzled at my question. "There's no sign of the Broodqueencyborg hanging off the side of the ship or anything."

"We're not going to crash on a prison planet are we?"

"No, we're heading to Earth. What do you mean 'prison planet?'"

"Alien3?" I reminded her. "Wow, that was a stinker! P.U.! Shaving your head made it worse."

"Oh give me a break, You men are all alike," she shot back. "You all beg for a strong woman character to be the lead, but when there is one, you don't like it."

"You're kidding," I countered. "I was a big fan of you in Ghostbusters, Half Moon Street, Dave, all the others. Alien3 was just bad."

"But did you see the special edition?" she demanded. "That version was a lot better! It cleared up a lot of issues with the movie!"

"And what about Alien resurrection? Hybrid human/alien clone with genetic memory?" I snorted. "Come on!"

"Oh give me a break!" she returned. "Hey, I don't write the movies. I just act in them."

We were silent for a moment.

"Hey," at least I wasn't in Alien Vs. Predator," she offered.

"You're right, there," I replied.

We were silent for a moment more.

"Poor Lance Hendrickson," we said in unison.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Fight on Asteroid X


We were close to Asteroid X.

"The scopes aren't showing any life forms on the station," said the Beast looking into the scopes.

"I can't believe that the station is abandoned," I replied.

"It must be some sort of interference or energy shielding," deduced the Beast. "I have also been unable to contact The Professor on the space radio."

"I'm bringing the ship closer," said Cyclops, aiming the Danger Sled towards the outpost.

I looked out the viewport. "What is that thing? It looks like some kind of a weapon or antenna and it's pointed towards Earth."

Suddenly, we were passed by a dropship.

"We're on an express elevator to hell - going down!" Yelled someone over the radio.

"Who were those guys?" asked the Beast and Cyclops in unison.

"I don't like this," I replied. I remembered my last run-in with the Colonial Marines. I hope this doesn't turn into a mess like the last time.

We found a landing pad and set the ship down next to the drop ship. The Marines were already inside and they were yelling.

"Game over, man! Game over!" yelled one.

"Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen!" yelled another.

"Wait, we're on a bug hunt, where are the bugs?"

"They're here, the corporation said that they'd be here," said a corporate weasel.

"I believe that I understand their presence here," said the Beast, indicating to the Marines. "But you do not seem to belong with this group. Who are you?"

"I'm Burke, the corporation sent me. We have uh, interests on this asteroid," answered Burke.

"Wait a minute," I said pointing at him. "I know you, you're Paul Reiser. You've made a career out of playing annoying characters."

"Whu-whu-whu-What?" he asked.

"My Two Dads, Mad About You, the nerdy detective in Beverly Hills Cop. Is there a role that you've played where you weren't an insipid, whiny, stuttering nerd?"

"God, I hated My Two Dads," added Cyclops.

"Whu-whu-whu-wait, what about Diner?" he stammered, pressing himself against the door to the rest of the station. "I wasn't so nerdy in that!"

"Aw give us a break, newbie!" growled a Marine. "We have a job to do. Let's get in there and do it! I love the Corps! Every meal's a banquet, every formation's a parade!"

"Whu-whu-whu-wait," stammered Burke. "We have to AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

A Brood warrior burst through his chest and howled. More warriors poured out from the hole in the door behind what once was Burke. The Marines howled as well, firing wildly with their pulse rifles and smart guns. The sheer volume of gunfire ricocheting everywhere took down most of the warriors, but more were in the hole. Cyclops fired his optic blasts as well, and with his great strength and agility, Beast fought any of the ones that got close. I cleaved as many as I could with my Lasar Ax.

"Oh man, game over man, game over!!" yelled a Marine.

What's with that guy?

After thousands of rounds were expended, things grew quiet.

"Well, what do you think?" asked a Marine.

"It's quiet. Too quiet." said another.

We pressed forward into the command center. The Marines, surpisingly, kept their weapons silent. We found a control console and the Beast immediately took a look at the machine.

"Seems like the Shi'ar had this outpost here for centuries," the Beast said. They were using it as an observation post and laboratory. They were experimenting on the Brood, trying to wean out the most aggressive traits. "

"But why?" Cyclops asked.

"That is very unclear. Who could fathom what their motives were back then. The station has been abandoned for some time and I do not know what brought it back online. There was also some energy beam pointed at Earth, I have turned that off."

I looked at the readings on the monitor. "It appears that the beam was a carrier beacon, Brood warriors were beamed to Earth from here. But what about the Sentinel technology?" I asked.

"That is also unclear. I can't see how that could have been introduced, but it may have been introduced in an effort to track mutants on Earth. What kind of an evil are we up against?"

Suddenly, a roar was heard, everyone turned, stunned to see a Brood Queen somehow fused with a Sentinel body.

"That's..." gasped Cyclops.

"...Unbelievable." Continued the Beast.

"That is ugly on top of ugly," I said.

"G-g-g-game over..." a Marine barely choked out.

The hybrid creature howled again an started towards us, then we heard a metallic clang.



Whirr clang.



Whirr clang.



Whirr clang.






Whirr clang.






Whirr clang.





Whirrr clang!




Whirrr clang!


"Get away from them, you beee-yotch!"

Monday, October 24, 2005

The Flight to Asteroid X


Cyclops, the Beast and I were hurling towards Asteroid X in the Danger Sled. I looked at my two companions.

"Aren't there more X-Men?" I asked.

"Certainly. There are plenty of X-Men," the Beast answered.

"Sometimes, you can't lift a rock without finding a new mutant... or a New Mutant," Cyclops added.

My mind was whirring, thinking of our situation, thinking of what awaited us at our destination, thinking of the X-Men.

"And are we the best three for this mission?" I asked.

"The best available," Cylcops replied. "Hank's scientific mind and brawn are his two greatest assets and my piloting skills and optic blasts are mine." He thought for a moment. "And along with your Intergalactic Gladiating skills, you have a ship that we can use."

I thought for a moment.

"Isn't there another X-Man who's fighting skills and mutant healing factor would be useful against the Brood?" I asked.

"Aw geez," the Beast sighed. "Here we go again."

"What?"

"Everyone likes Wolverine, it's always 'Wolverine this' and 'Wolverine that.' It is as if he is the only X-Man anyone knows." complained the Beast.

"I'm the best at what I do," Cyclops said mockingly. "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do ain't pretty, bub."

"You should know," the Beast continued. "We were X-Men first, I was on the Avengers and the Defenders. Cylcops was on plenty of teams as well, and we've got plenty to bring to the table. But who do the Avengers or SHIELD or whoever want? Is it the us? Noooooooo! It's Wolverine."

"We're a little Wolverined out," Cyclops conceded. "It seems like he's everywhere."

"In any case," the Beast concluded. "Wolverine is on another mission."

Another mission? I thought. I wonder what that could be.











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Friday, October 21, 2005

A meeting of the minds*

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"You must stop this fighting at once," said The Professor. "Jon, you will soon understand that we are on the same side."

I looked at Cyclops, he was standing there with balled up fists but he wasn't moving.

"I was defending myself against his attacks. If we're supposed to be allies, why were we even fighting in the first place?"

"That is rule number one when two heroes meet in a crossover. They must first fight an epic battle to get the fanboys salivating."

"But we fought to a standstill," I said, eyeing Professor X and Cyclops warily. "Seems pointless to me."

"Of course, the second rule is that the fight must end in a draw unless one of the combatants is under a spell, mind control, or his abilities are altered by an outside source. The heroes can then team up together to defeat their common foe."

"I see," I said. "Sort of."

Cyclops relaxed and looked at me through his ruby quartz eye piece, without which, his optic blasts would be uncontrollably unleashed. "I apologize for attacking you first, Jon. But it is the rule."

"OK, I understand. I'm no stranger to seeing heroes battle each other in crossover situations." I shook my finger. "But don't let it happen again."

"Oh, I won't," Cyclops chuckled and slapped me on the shoulder.

"Jon, I have seen in one of your entries that you have unique powers. Powers that, because of their nature, went unnoticed by me until very recently. You have abilities that we need to save the Earth."

Well, I have saved Earth before,** I guess that I can do it again.

"We have found that the Brood*** is on Earth, my teams have been dispatched to hunt them down,**** but we found something more."

"What is it?" I asked.

"We have found that an asteroid near Jupiter that has a technologically advanced outpost on it, it appears to have been built at some point by the Shi'ar ***** as an observation and science station of sorts."

"An asteroid like Asteroid M?" I asked. ******

"Similar in ways, we've dubbed it Asteroid X," The Professor answered.

"It's 11 times worse than Asteroid M." added Cyclops.

What's with these guys and their X's? "And you need my help to take it out?"

"Yes, but there's more," Professor X continued. "We have reason to believe that the station there also has Sentinel******* technology on it, so it would be able to detect mutants. With your unique powers, they would not be able to detect you."

"Yeah, about those abilities..."

"I have selected Cyclops and the Beast to accompany you on the mission, if we could use your ship the Danger Sled, they would not recognize it as a threat. The outpost's shielding will repel any attacks on it, so you need to get inside the base to stop them."

"That doesn't sound too tough," I say. I have to add a little bravado for all of my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. ********

"Remember, the Brood is a highly dangerous race, more dangerous than you can imagine." Xavier cautioned. "They are a hive mind and they exist solely to further their feral species."

"Dangerous, hive, feral. Got it." I answer.

"I am serious," Xavier insisted. "Before you go, do you have any questions?"

"Just one. Did you know that you look an awful lot like Captain Picard?" ********

__________________________________________

*And by "Meeting of the Minds," I meant Professor X's very powerful mutant mind and my regular Intergalactic Gladiator mind.

** See in my blog Space Battle Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and 5.

*** The Brood, an alien race who's entire existence is devoted to hunger and procreation.

**** As chronicled in Professor Xavier's blog.

***** The Shi'ar, an advanced race of aliens who rule their own interstellar empire.

****** Asteroid M, constructed by Magneto to be a haven for mutants.

******* Sentinels, robots designed to hunt mutants.

******** Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators, all of my fans and the regular readers of this blog.

********* Jean Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

A battle with a guy in a black suit

I came home from work pretty exhausted. All I wanted was some dinner, maybe a beer and to watch the Simpsons. I was about to go through the front door when a voice shouted "Hold it!"

I turned and looked, it was dark out, and the man was just in the shadows, wearing what appeared to be a dark outfit and some sort of headgear or maybe a metallic mask. "Can I help you?" I ask. Maybe he's lost, looking for Cellular Field or Belmont and Halstead or something.

"You think you're something, huh?" He said. "I've really got a bone to pick with you."

Faster than I anticipated, the stranger leapt at me. I was unable to dodge his attack and he tackled me. Pinning me down, he landed several punches.

I didn't want Kiera seeing me fighting, and I certainly didn't want her to see me losing. Using my grappling skills (1989 "most improved wrestler" awardee at my high school), I flipped him over me and put him in a choke hold to subdue him.

The assailant managed to pry himself loose and rolled himself away from my grasp. "You're finished now!" He called out.

"Look buddy, I don't know who you are, you're the one who attacked me!"

The man didn't reply, instead he touched his mask and a beam blasted forth from it, drowning me in its ruby energy. The blast tore my armored flightsuit, but I managed to dive away from it and knock my assailant down. I followed up my attack with a bodyslam when I felt myself unable to move.

"That's enough!" another voice called out.

Frozen in my tracks, I finally got a good look at my assailant and discovered that he was Cyclops, member of a team of mutants called the X-Men.



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I looked over at the owner of the second voice.

"Professor Charles Xavier?"




To be continued...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I have been tagged again.

Karnov tagged me with another meme. Curse you again, Karnov. Curse your green, scaly hide again!

Here are the rules:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence or close to it.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 other people to do the same.

Become an official Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator! "3. Place the image in a button and stamp it together."

The post pretty much speaks for itself, it's a button you can make to become an Official Junior Intergalactic Gladiator.

I am willing to take volunteers for the tagging, any suckers, er, takers out there?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I hate comedy relief sidekicks! Epilogue

At the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment Building on Fire Island B, J'onn Sinew Nu pulled me aside.

"Listen, Jon," he says. "About a new sidekick."


"What are you going to pair me with this time?" I ask. "another Monkeyboy? A sass-talking robot? Dave Coulier?"

"No no, Jon," Sinew Nu chuckles. "What I'm trying to say is that the sidekick bit hasn't worked as well as we thought. Market research has shown us that there was no significant upswing in merchandising revenue generation despite his great comedic sidekicking talents."

"Well, here's an idea," I say. "Why don't you just let me go out there as myself, by myself and compete like I have been?"

"Oh no no no, we can't have that."

"The audience likes me because I am real. The audience wants something credible that they can believe in, you know. The audience in the Horizon Ampitheater on Fire Island 9, they're not dumb. They want something real, not some corporate, over marketed, milked down pop star. It's like art."

"Jon, I am a marketing expert, I know art. I can suck the life, soul and energy out of any art form. That's my job."

"Well, I'm not going for anything else. The sidekick was bad enough, anything else you want to try could only be worse."

"No no, listen to me," he tried to hold up his hands placatedly. "We want you to be you, but we want to use your background as an Earthman to add to your character!"

"Which means...?"

"We want you to be a drunken caveman."

"Absolutely not."

"A good natured hillbilly?"

"No way."

"An evil hillbilly?"

"I don't think so."

"An evil plumber?"

"A what?"

"A six armed robot with a human heart?"

"You're kidding."

"A garbage man?"

"Uh uh."

"A rowdy Irishman?"

"I'm not Irish."

"A rowdy Canadian?"

"No!"

"A rowdy sheepherder?"

"NO!"

Monday, October 17, 2005

Jo Jo, a Funeral for a Comedy Relief Sidekick

The funeral for Jo Jo was on Planet Monkekbok today, all the Monkeyboys were there. Suprisingly, it was a solemn event. The Monkekbok Institute of Training Sidekicks sent the Monkeyboy Tabernacle Choir to sing, you would probably not be surprised to hear that they sang "Yes, We Have No Bananas" as a funeral dirge.

"Yes, we have no bananas
We have-a no bananas today.
Just try those coconuts
Those walnuts and doughnuts
There ain't many nuts like they.
We'll sell you two kinds of red herring,
Dark brown, and ball-bearing.
But yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today."

Needless to say, it was something. The choir then sang Jo Jo's theme. All 52 verses. They finished it with a new verse just for the occasion.

"Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he is gone at the break of dawn
Oblah dee oblah dah-ah la la la life goes on"

Part of that song seemed awfully familiar, I don't know I was overseas when that one show was on television, though.

After that, Jo Jo's little brother Mojo read The Ode to Jo Jo, composed by a special friend of the Monkeboys:

Where did you go, Jo Jo?
And did you know, Jo Jo
This, your last foe, Jo Jo
Would beat you so, Jo Jo?
You were too slow, Jo Jo.
Say it ain't so, Jo Jo.

Mojo ended it and with a sniff and said "Thank you, Bill. Now as a special official Monkeyboy Special Friend, you are entitled to have a Monkeyboy sidekick fow ever and ever and ever. Jo Jo would've wanted it that way."

Many of the Monkeyboys looked up anxiously, hoping some sort of divine choosing pointer device would select them. They resumed their somber looks when there was none.


At the end of the service, Schlocky the Monkeyboy came up to me to have a few words.

"Vhy dese kids dese days," he said.

"Yeah, these kids," I reply. What am I supposed to say?

"Jo Jo wanted you to have this," Schlocky continued. He handed me a box.

I looked inside, it was his daiquiri blender.


"Thanks," I look at the blender. "I guess daiquiris are on me, huh?"

Schlocky's eyes lit up.

"Hey everybody!" he called out. "Jon's makin' daiquiris! Let's all go to his ship!"

Friday, October 14, 2005

Scotchie Bacci


Scotch loved Uncle Eddie.

Our dog Scotch (aka Scotchie, aka Bacci) has been with my wife for 14 years. She was the sweetest, kindest dog I've known. She was 14, though and her last couple of years were very rough on her. The last two weeks were even worse. We loved her very much, but she was so sick that on Monday we made the tough decision and had her euthanized.

I can remember the way she ran, she had this trot and her tongue would hang out; she looked like she was smiling. She loved chasing squirrels, and even caught one once. She didn't know what to do with it though, and the thing really scratched her up trying to get away.

Several years ago, my wife (to be at the time) and I drove from Chicago to my mother's home in North Carolina. We brought Scotch with and when we got to her house, I let the dog just trot into the house to announce our arrival. Everyone had a good laugh at that.

A few months ago, her front paw seized up and she hobbled around for a day and a half until we got her to the vet. Funny thing, though, as soon as we got to the vet, Scotch hopped out of the car like nothing was wrong. She was completely fine.

Scotch and baby Kiera.

But she's had her bad days, too, and her condition worsened. It got to the point where she couldn't eat and she became dehydrated. She couldn't walk straight and she had such trouble sitting that we felt that it was time.

I don't want any of you Junior Intergalactic Gladiators here to say "Oh, I'm sorry, that's too bad." We're all friends here but I don't really need to hear it. What I want from my visitors is your funny pet stories. Tell me about your wacky dog or the funny things your parrot says or how you taught your goldfish to jump through a flaming hoop. Cat people, you can tell me your funny cat stories too, I suppose.

So click the comment link and fire away. Thanks.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I Hate Sidekicks, Part Seven

The place: The Horizon Ampitheater on one of the Fire Islands of Hacknor.

The combatants: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator with Jo Jo the Monkeyboy versus Abi the Butcher.

It seemed just like the other matches. Abi got introduced and the crowd boos. I got introduced and the crowd cheers. Jo Jo gets introduced and the crowd is so quiet you can hear a pinbot drop.

Abi's reputation proceeds him, he is a maniacal and brutal combatant. It takes all that I can to avoid his attacks while still trying to keep him away from the Monkeyboy.

"Lemme at 'em!" Jo Jo rubs his thumb on his nose, then swings his fists around and around while hopping up and down. "I'm gonna give 'im what for!"

Abi and I trade blows, Abi almost lands a devistating blow on Jo Jo, but I knock the sidekick to the side.

"Ahhh! ooof, that smarts!" Jo Jo rubs his rear, but then he quickly jumped to his feet and started hopping around again.

"I smash you good!" Abi was never very eloquent. He started swinging wildly and he smacks me with a glancing blow, causing me to spin away. He follows up with a smash to Jo Jo and the Monkeyboy flies over my head and makes a wet smack onto the ground again.

I plant a solid kick on Abi and he tumbles over. From a hidden pocket in his gear, he pulls out a distintegrator pistol, causing his immediate disqualification.

Abi doesn't care. With a sneer, he aims the weapon at me and pulls the trigger. Energized light flashes towards me and I dive out of the way. The beam hits Jo Jo squarely in the face.
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"Howya doin' bwautttthhhhhhhh........................................." Jo Jo's voice echoes into nothing as his molecules scatter in all directions.

The crowd goes silent.

Horizon security guards tackle Abi and wrestle away the pistol.

The crowd still can't believe what happened. I can't believe what happened.

Abi is hauled off by the guards, his laughter reverberates through the corridor.

"I win, ha ha ha ha ha!"

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Where's Jo Jo?


Howya doin' bwauth?



Ha ha!



After Jon the intergalactic Gladiator's dramatic saving of the Earth, I got hundreds of letters, emails and dog poop-filled shoeboxes from people asking me what I was doing during this exciting story arc.




Well it's simple.




Jon has me in the gunner's station aboard his ship the Danger Sled.




Here's a picture of me in the turret, taken right after the events of Space Battle Part 1, the Battle in Space!


He said that it was very important that I remain on the ship to protect it while he was gone. He said that I was the last line of defense and to stay there in case he failed.

It's so exciting, I feel like a hero! If being a super awesome comedy relief sidekick wasn't my calling, I might try my hand at being an Intergalactic hero, just like Jon!

Until next time! Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haah hah hah!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Space Battle Part 5, The Final Countdown, Part 2 in 3D

I had defeated Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord in combat. It was a violent battle, with no quarter asked and no quarter given. But in his defeat, the autodestruct mechanism was activated for his evil alien labrynth.
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I ran through the tunnels, blasting my out of the complex before explosions brought the whole place down.
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I was dumped out into the middle of the sea. I couldn't believe that this is where my journey took me.

My relief of getting out of an exploding mutant alien zombie complex alive was soon replaced by the dread that I was going to be eaten by sharks, but that's life I guess.


Suddenly, a Helicarrier apeared in the skies above me.
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"This is Captain Dion X. Machina," boomed a voice over the loudspeaker. "Stand by to be rescued."

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With that a helicopter flew out to pick me up. It took me to a ship where I would be safe.
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I was so happy that I danced a jig. I don't know why it called me an Offender, though...

The End... or is it...?

Monday, October 10, 2005

Space Battle Part 4, The Final Countdown


After barreling past the anthropomorphic mushroom, I chased the mutant alien zombie aliens into their underground lair. It started to seem like my self-appointed Mission to stop them would be Impossible.

I was spinning around and around, I started to feel like I was caught in a Twister...

But once I get through these levels, I would be one step closer to ending this.
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Deeper I went into the command center, fighting evil alien mutant aliens along the way.
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I am certainly not a Xenophobe, but all of these evil aliens around were enough to give me the jitters.

Evil alien mutant zombies were everywhere. Fortunately, they loved to dance.


Finally, I blasted my way to the final boss. He was big and he was evil, but he was also ready to monologue.
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"You Earthers," he sneered. "Such a self-destructive, backward race. It will be easy to reduce you humans into a limping, drooling race of mutant zombies. After that, I will harvest you as space slaves, food, whatever my loosely-affiliated group of evil alien allies want! And no one will stop me! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

It was an evil laugh. "That's where you're wrong, pal." I said.

"And who's going to stop me? You?" he sneered again.

"That's right."

"You are the only one here, I'm afraid that your friends on the surface will not be able to help you."

"You are also right, there."

"You are alone and you will die!" he wailed.

"Right and wrong," I answered.

"Fool! I'll dine on your innards! I'll wear your skin for a coat!"

"Wrong and wrong."

With that, I exploded into action. Firing missile after missile and dodging his ranged and melee attacks.

"Most impressive for an Earth-man," he conceded. "What is your name so I can print it underneath your head that I will display on the wall like a trophy or plaque?"

"The name is Jon," I said, dodging a slimy swipe of his claw. "And yours?"

"I am Galactor, the Evil Galactic Overlord! That is the last thing you will hear before I crush your bones into a powder, mix it with water and a little sugar, then drink it like a tea!"

"Wrong," I said again, dodging more attacks. I could see that he was wearing down. My attacks would soon finish him off.

Galactor stopped attacking, smoke was pouring out of his pores. He threw his arms into the air and howled.

"Game over." I said.

Galactor exploded! Fat and sinew flew in all directions.
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With that, alarms started wailing throughout the complex. I knew that I had to get out.

To be concluded...
Oh snap, did I just say "concluded?" I meant to say "continued." Where's the edit key?

Friday, October 07, 2005

Space Battle Part 3, The Battle on Earth, Part 2

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From his Fortress in America, the Mission Command Commander deployed Mission Command commandos to stop the spies. The commandos Choplifted over in commando commandeered, specially designed Mission Command Commando Commanches.



The villainous aliens retaliated with mutant Centipedes!


The aliens had Dug deep underground. I had to Dig down and stop them from mutating the centipedes. Fortunately, with the help of my spaceship landing gear air pump, I found their Achilles heel -- being pumped so full of air that they explode.
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The Hunt was on, the alien menace retreated into the Jungle.


I was close. I knew that they were on the run and I knew that the answers to my questions were in this jungle. I just had to be careful not to Fall into any Pit.

I made my way to their lair. The aliens were well protected by mutant turtles, mutant Venus flytraps and angry looking, slow moving mutant bullets.



I fought my way into the aliens stronghold, battling through enemy after enemy. I burst into the control room and fought the boss of the castle. I made quick work of him and an anthropomorphic mushroom ran up to me and said "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!"

"What?"

If anthropomorphic mushrooms were prone to sigh, this one did it. "I said the princess is in another castle."

"Princess?"

"The princess is in another castle!" it insisted.

"What are you talking about? I'm not looking for your princess, I'm fighting to save the Earth from the evil mutant alien mutant menace..." I trailed off, what was I fighting anyway?

"No, go to another castle! Save the Princess, Mario!"

"Not now, I'm busy. And I'm not Mario."

"Please?"

"I said no."

"Please please please?" it pleaded. "We anthropomorphic mushrooms are magic! We could reward you with -- hey!"

I barreled past the mushroom. I have mutant alien menace zombie alien whatnots to fight.

To be continued...