Murder on the Orion Express

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator and I stood looking over the body of Lucky Pierre.

"Are we sure that it was murder?" she asked. "It could've been from when we made the hyperspace jump."

I looked closer at the hole in his chest. "This doesn't look like an accident. What kind of an accident would cause Pierre to be shot in the heart during a hyperspace jump?"

"You got any experience in finding murderers?" she asked.

"I'm no detective, but I am a fan of Herculoid P'oirot. I must've read five or six of those mysteries."

"And that makes you an expert?"

"No," I answered. "But we've got to do something."

I looked around at the rest of the passengers, the businessman was angrily looking at his space phone. I walked over to him.

"Your phone doesn't work?" I ask.

"No," he said in a huff. "Something happened when we jumped, I can't make calls now. Stupid space phone."

"Does that have a camera?"

"Of course," he said proudly. "I get all of the latest gadgets."

"Then I need you to take pictures of Pierre, here," I said, indicating to the body.

"Ew," he sneered. "Who put you in charge?"

"He did." I grabbed the man by the arm and hoisted him towards the body on the floor. "Take pictures."

Jan looked up at me with a frown. "What about the crew? We haven't heard anything from them."

"You're right," I answered. Then I turned to the cameraman. "Keep taking pictures, Donald Chump."

We rushed through the door that leads to the cockpit. There was a small entryway between the cabin and the door leading to the ship's controls. Jan pushed the call button on the control panel.

"Hello?" she asked. "Hello? Is there anybody in there?"

Silence.

"Hello? Can you hear me?" she said into the speaker again.

Again, there was no reply.

Jan took a small tool kit out of her cargo pocket; pulling out a sonic screwdriver, she started to work on the door.

"Do you always carry your tools everywhere you go?" I asked.

"It becomes a habit," she shrugged. "You never know when you need to fix... a problem. You always wear that hat everywhere you go?"

"Hey now," I held up a finger. Then I heard the businessman say "Ew" again.

Jan and I moved back to the cabin to take a look. The businessman had his nose crinkled up and was clutching his stomach. "Look!" he pointed to Pierre's body.

The hole in his chest had blackened. It was also beginning to open wider as if something were eating his skin. I leaned closer and even took a few cautionary sniffs.

"Molecular acid," I said. "It looks like our murderer put some on whatever killed him. It melted the evidence and half his chest."

"What do we do now?" Jan asked.

"We have less than two hours before we get to Orion," I replied cooly. "And one thing's for sure. Lucky Pierre is dead, murdered, and somebody's responsible."

All Aboard the Orion Express

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are now pulling away from Hacknor's gravity well and we will soon make our leap to hyperspace. Travel time will be about two hours and fifteen minutes. Please relax and enjoy your flight on the Orion Express."

I looked around the cabin and saw a man in a suit talking away on his space phone. I tell you, some people just can't put those things down. The space gypsies were huddled together talking amongst themselves and Lucky Pierre was talking loudly to anyone who would listen.

"I am ze famous Lucky Pierre," he announced. "I have made glorious works for all of ze galaxy to enjoy! You will love my next piece when I unveil it at Orion!"

"Wonderful," sniffed Jan the Intergalactic Aviator. "Is he going to talk like that for the whole flight?"

"Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll pass out when we leap," I answered with a smile.

"You! You are an Earthman, aren't you?" Lucky Pierre looked me up and down.

"Yep," I replied. "I'm from Earth."

"Bah, zere is no good art from Earth!" he declared.

"I beg to differ," I said back to him. "Michelangelo, Munsch, Warhol. The list goes on and on."

"Garbage, garbage, garbage!" Pierre yelled. "You monkeys should be grateful that you even have thumbs!"

"Are you trying to be obnoxious?" I retorted. "Or does it just ooze out of you?"

"Ha! The lame reply of an unevolved simpleton," he dismissed me with a wave and walked away to insufferably chat up someone else.

"Don't let him get to you," Jan told me. "He's just trying to prove that he's an eccentric artiste."

"Oh, I'm fine. Let's see him save a planet with a sonic screwdriver, some coax cable, and his wits."

Jan chuckled and leaned back to prepare for the hyperjump.

With an electronic whine, the jump engines engaged. For just a moment, even though I felt like my back was leaning against the seat, my stomach was in the far wall, my teeth were in the wall in front of me, and my ankles were somewhere back on Hacknor.

Reality turned red, then snapped back into place and I looked around. Everyone was gasping and looking around surprised themselves. I looked at Jan and she said "That was not supposed to happen."

"Tell me about it," I said back to her. We both got up and looked up and down the aisles, everyone looked agitated but OK.

"The cockpit," Jan looked at me. "We have to check out the crew."

We made our way to the front when I stopped and looked at the artist on the deck. He had a quarter-sized hole in his chest and he wasn't moving. Jan saw him, too.

"He's not breathing!" Jan said with her ear against his chest. "He's dead."

"Looks like Lucky Pierre isn't so lucky," I said grimly.

Ride to Orion

Check out this nice image, courtesy Vampirella.

I'm taking a trip to Orion and I am traveling in one of those super fast express ships that travel between Hacknor and Orion. They're pretty nice; they are also lean and built for speed. It will be kind of fun, maybe relaxing, to take this little side trip here.

I look around the cabin and I see some of the other passengers on board, there is a guy in a suit, some creature, I think, huddled in the corner under heavy cloak or gear or something, and there also seems to be a small band of vagabonds.

I look at the seat across from me and I see someone who appears to be a pilot. She looks at me and appears to recognize me.

"Do I know you?" she asks.

"I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator," I answer, leaning forward to shake her hand.

"This is so weird," she replies. "I'm Jan the Intergalactic Aviator. That's funny how our names are so close."

"Wait a minute," I looked at her. "Did you get a visit from a ghostly Monkeyboy a few months ago?"

"Yes I did!" she exclaimed.

"That was my former sidekick!" I exclaimed back. "In fact, he stopped to talk to me first, then he saw that it wasn't my name on the list and he took off to see you."

"Wow," her head shook back and forth as she tried to take it all in. "Jon... Jan... That's so odd."

"Well, I hope you learned Christmas spirit from him," I grinned.

"Ha ha," she laughed. "Yeah, except I already had it. I can't believe that--"

"Stand aside! Stand aside!" A man walked past, very loudly announcing his presence. "I am Lucky Pierre, the famous artiste, and therefore very eccentric. Stay out of my way for I am coming through."

Jan shook her head. "Hmmph. What a weirdo."

I laughed in agreement. At least it looks like I'll have one normal person to talk to on my trip. I am sure that the ride on the Orion Express will be totally uneventful otherwise.

Jon's 200th post spectacular

Art Linklighter: Welcome to Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's 200th Post Spectacular. With special guest, Private Hudson! The Intergalactic Gladiator Dancers! Plus a very special guest! And now... heeeeere's Johnny!

[Camera shows Jon and Hudson sitting on stools]

Jon: Thanks, Art. Perhaps after that intro, you should speak with the copyright lawyer.

Art: Will do, Jon!

Jon: So, Private Hudson, we were just about to speak of your own exciting adventure here.

Private Hudson: That's right, Jon. You were off on Big Brother: Naboo, and it was up to me to hold down the fort, in a manner of speaking.

Jon: Right. And it all started with you being called before the Comandant of the Colonial Marine Corps.

Private Hudson: Right. General Puller. And he layed into me with a string of expletives that would make a Orwellian longshoreman blush. But then he frocked me to corporal and gave me a secret mission to perform.

Jon: You and he picked a squad, trained, and went on a mission to steal space gold from Baltizar, one of Galactor's middle managers.

Hudson: Things got complicated when Private Maggot cracked, then Baltizar kidnapped Officer Huxley.

Jon: Is that where you soiled yourself?

Hudson: No. It was sweat.

Jon: Right.

Hudson: Really.

Jon: And so, you chased Baltizar to the rooftop where you apprehended him.

Hudson: That's right. I got the bad guy and I got the girl.

Jon: So where is Huxley?

Hudson: Well, I had to let her go. Women don't understand me. I'm a loner, a rebel.

Jon: Unfortunately, you yourself were apprehended and taken to the Joint Chiefs.

Hudson: Which I walked away from, squeaky clean, and with a brand new Certificate of Appreciation.

Jon: Well, that was exciting, but we have something even more exciting for everyone.

Hudson: Wow! Say what could that be, Jon?

Jon: You'll see, right after this.

[The Intergalactic Gladiator Dancers come out and dance a routine]

Jon: That was great wasn't it?

Hudson: Wow, that one redhead had really great, uh, legs

Jon: Right, but now we have our own very special guest, from her flagship Galaxy One, Queen Galacta!

[Applause, Queen Galacta appears on the viewscreen behind the two]

Queen Galacta: Gladiator, We are very happy to see you again.

Jon: It's great to see you, too.

Hudson: Hey, it's great to see you, too.

[Queen Galacta rolls her eyes]

Queen Galacta: Yes, it is good to see you, too, Hudson.

Jon: You also got to visit here three times yourself.

Queen Galacta: Indeed, Gladiator. Of course, I am very busy, but I read your adventures every morning. We are very happy for the opportunity to appear here as well.

Jon: Thank you, your Majesty. We are very happy to have you here as well. Queen Galacta everybody.

[The image fades out to the applause of the audience]

Jon: You know Hudson. We've had a lot happen around here and there's only one thing left for us to do.

Hudson: And what's that Jon?

Jon: We have to sing!

Hudson: You got it!

We've had some fun
We've had some thrills
We've had some kicks, some chills, some spills
I never would have gotten through it without you, my friend
I never would have made to the end
I never would have gotten through it without you, my bud
It would have gone off like an unexploded dud
Hey! Who are you calling a dud?
Not you, my friend.

We've had some pows
We've had some booms
We've had some whams, ottomatepias and some oofs
I never would have gotten through it without you, my chum
An awful big mess, it would've become
I never would have made it without you, my friend
I never would have made it without my M41A Pulse Rifle, with 95 rounds in the clip, an over-and-under thirty millimeter pump action grenade launcher. It electronically fires 10 X 24 mm caseless cartridge rounds and has a compass in the stock. What?

[together] I never would have made it, never would have made it, with... out... youuuuuuuuuu!

Jon: Thanks everybody and goodnight!

Art: Jon's 200th Post Spectacular was brought to you by the IGE Network, Buzz Light beer, and the Naboo Naboo, Naboo tourism board. Naboo Naboo, Naboo, the city so nice they named it thrice.

Jon's 199th Post Spectacular

Art Linklighter: Welcome to Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator’s 199th post spectacular. And here’s your host, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!

[audience applause]

Jon: Thank you, thank you. It’s great to be here. Say Art, I haven’t seen you since my 100th Post Spectacular, how’ve you been?

Art Linklighter: Well, I lost a bundle at the track and my wife left me, Jon!

Jon: Well, I’m glad to see doing well. You’re looking good.

Art Linklighter: Thanks, Jon. Think I could sleep on your couch tonight?

Jon: Hey anything could happen.

[Turns to audience]

Jon: And just about anything did happen during my adventures here from post 101 to now. After a super funny post about all the wacky, wacky comments that I get, I quickly jumped into the action when the Queen of the Galaxy visited Earth. After showing her all of the great things to see on Earth and stopping some space zombies, I uncovered and stopped a traitor working against Queen Galacta.

Art Linklighter: That certainly was an exciting adventure, Jon!

Jon: Boy, I'll say, Art. But the excitement didn’t end there, did it?

Art Linklighter: Oh no it didn’t.

Jon: Right. From there, I had a few quick posts about a goofy high school kid, my daughter’s fascination with the S-word, and a meeting with Dr. Destiny. After that came the Count Vampire saga, which culminated with a showdown at Count Dracula’s castle.

Art Linklighter: Oh, but it didn’t end there, did it, Jon?.

Jon: Rrrr, no it didn’t, Art. The conclusion of the saga actually featured me giving a goth kid a severe wedgie.

Art Linklighter: You wedgied him good didn’t you?.

[laughter]

Jon: Yeah, well not my proudest moment. I think he learned his lesson, though.

Art Linklighter: You know, you weren’t the only one having some exciting adventures on this blog.

Jon: You’re right. Jo Jo the Monkeyboy might be gone, but somehow I got myself another sidekick.

Private Hudson: Hey! Who are you callin’ a sidekick?

Jon: Ladies and gentlemen, Private Hudson.

[applause]

Private Hudson: Ha ha, hey I know you’re kidding. How’s everybody doing?

Jon: You know, Hudson, you had your share of action here, didn’t you?

Private Hudson: You bet, Jon. After showing my heroism as an Agent to the Queen, I decided to stick around a bit and show you my stuff. My second visit was a review of the movie Starship Troopers.

Jon: Hey is that movie a documentary or fiction?

Private Hudson: I just assumed that it was a dramatization of real events, like a Lifetime movie, but without Judith Light and her giant shoulder pads.

Jon: Ha ha, oh Hudson, you crack me up. You also got a chance sing about your former girlfriends as well as go speed dating.

Private Hudson: Yeah, well, the less said about that the better.

Art Linklighter: Jon, you have one more adventure to talk about tonight.

Jon: You got that right. Up next was the Evil Jon saga. Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord’s attempt at revenge was something indeed.

Art Linklighter: The Queen recruited you again to stop Galactor’s plans.

Private Hudson: And I was there to lend a hand.

Jon: Probably one of my favorite chapters was where we found the map of Galactor’s castle tattooed on the technomage’s body. I mean, it was good except for the part about the lieutenant dying.

Private Hudson: Stupid REMF.

Jon: Then there was the showdown between myself and my evil counterpart.

Private Hudson: Don’t forget about my key fight with mine.

Jon: Say, we’re talking about my blog, here.

Private Hudson: Oh yeah.

Jon: I do have to admit, though, that you played an important role in that series.

Private Hudson: I sure did, it was game over for my evil twin.

[Audience laughter]

Jon: You have a point there, [to the audience] the point on his head.

Private Hudson: Hey!

Jon: And you also got your moment to shine when I went off to compete on Big Brother: Naboo.

Private Hudson: You betcha.

Jon: And we'll talk about that tomorow!

Private Hudson: Aww.

Art Linklighter: Tune in tomorow for Jon's 200th Post Spectacular!

[applause]

Cutting a Promo

Deep resonating voiceover: In a galaxy where anything can happen, a one-man army has come forward to end tyranny and evil wherever it may take shape. From Earth to Hacknor to the ends of the galaxy, this man whose destiny has been foretold, will strive to right what is wrong. And though his home planet will never know it, his heroism has already saved them.

Jon: Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator; you can catch me every week in the Intergalactic Gladiating Federation --

Director: Cut, cut, it's not “Federation,” it’s “Entertainment” now.

Jon: Right, right, I knew that. I can’t believe that I messed that up.

Director: Take it from the top.

Voiceover: In a galaxy where anything can happen, a one-man army has come forward to end tyranny and evil wherever it may take shape. From Earth to Hacknor to the ends of the galaxy, this man whose destiny has been foretold, will strive to right what is wrong. And though his home planet will never know it, his heroism has already saved them.

Jon: Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator; you can catch me every week in the Intergalactic Gladiating Entertainment. Also, don’t forget to watch me on Big Brother, ngg heh heh hehe heh.

Director: Cut. What are you laughing for?

Jon: Oh, sorry, I just thought of something really funny that happened at Big Brother. Fluke was sneezing and he accidentally knocked over Noel’s –

Director: I don’t want to hear it. I’m sure it was great but let’s just get through the promo, OK?

Jon: OK.

Director: Action.

Voiceover: In a galaxy where anything can happen, a one-man army has come forward to end tyranny and evil wherever it may take shape. From Earth to Hacknor to the ends of the galaxy, this man whose destiny has been foretold, will strive to right what is wrong. And though his home planet will never know it, his heroism has already saved them.

Jon: Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. You can catch me every week in the Intergalactic Gladiating Entertainment. Also, don’t forget to watch me on Big Brother: Naboo.

Director: Cut, cut.

Jon: What was it this time?

Director: It wasn’t you , Jon. There was some kind of noise going on in the background.

Engineer: We got it, a data tape unspooled. Sound checks good now.

Director: Thank you. Action.

Voiceover: In a galaxy where anything can happen, a one-man army has come forward to end tyranny and evil wherever it may take shape. From Earth to Hacknor to the ends of the galaxy, this man whose destiny has been foretold, will strive to right what is wrong. And though his home plant will never know it, his heroism has already saved them.

Jon: Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. You can catch me every week in the Intergalactic Gladiating Entertainment. Also, don’t forget to watch me on Big Brother: Naboo.

Director: Cut.

Jon: What?

Director: Voiceover, did you say “plant” instead of “planet?”

Voiceover: I am sure that I said planet.

Director: I could swear that I heard plant.

Voiceover: I am a professional, I wouldn’t make some mistake like that.

Director: Sound, can you replay that last bit?

Engineer: Standby.

Voiceover: -- though his home plant will never know –

Voiceover: Well I’ll be. Sorry. Won’t happen again.

Director: From the top. Action.

Voiceover: In a galaxy where anything can happen, a one-man army has come forward to end tyranny and evil wherever it may take shape. From Earth to Hacknor to the ends of the galaxy, this man whose destiny has been foretold, will strive to right what is wrong. And though his home planet will never know it, his heroism has already saved them.

Jon: Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. You can catch me every week in the Intergalactic Gladiating Entertainment. Also, don’t forget to watch me on Big Brother: Naboo every week on the IGE Network.

Voiceover: Big Brother: Naboo brought to you by the Intergalactic Gladiating Network and Buzz Light beer.

Jon: The IGE, where a thumbs up means we’ll fight another day!

Director: Cut and print.

Jon: Was that good?

Director: That sounded great, good job everybody. Sound, can you play that back?

Engineer: Standby.

Voiceover: In a galaxy where anything can happen, a one-man army has come forward to end tyranny and evil wherever it may take shape. From Earth to Hacknor to the ends of the galaxy, this man whose destiny has been foretold, will strive to right what is wrong. And though his home planet will never know it, his heroism has already saved them.

Jon: Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. You can catch me every week in the Intergalacti—eeeeeegggghhhhh.

Voiceover: Big Brother: Naboo brought to you by the thrum thrum thrum.

Director: What was that?

Engineer: I don’t know. Everything looks fine on the board.

Director: (Sigh) Alright. One more time, from the top. Action.

Voiceover: In a galaxy where anything can happen, a one-man army has come forward to end tyranny and evil wherever it may take shape. From Earth to Hacknor to the ends of the galaxy, this man whose destiny has been foretold, will strive to right what is wrong. And though his home planet will never know it, his heroism has already saved them.

Jon: Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. You can catch me every week in the Intergalactic Gladiating Entertainment. Also, don’t forget to watch me on Big Brother: Naboo every week on the IGE Network.

Voiceover: Big Brother: Naboo brought to you by the Intergalactic Gladiating Network and Buzz Light beer.

Jon: The IGE, where a thumbs up means we’ll fight another day!

Director: Cut. Print. Sound?

Engineer: Standby. Here’s the playback.

Voiceover: In a galaxy where anything can happen, a one-man army has come forward to end tyranny and evil wherever it may take shape. From Earth to Hacknor to the ends of the galaxy, this man whose destiny has been foretold, will strive to right what is wrong. And though his home planet will never know it, his heroism has already saved them.

Jon: Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. You can catch me every week in the Intergalactic Gladiating Entertainment. Also, don’t forget to watch me on Big Brother: Naboo every week on the IGE Network.

Voiceover: Big Brother: Naboo brought to you by the Intergalactic Gladiating Network and Buzz Light beer.

Jon: The IGE, where a thumbs up means we’ll fight another day!

Director: That sounded good.

Jon: I thought so.

Voiceover: Excellent.

Director: OK, that’s lunch everybody.

We got a new dog

On Friday, my wife Patricia emailed me at work with this link and the question "what do you think about this dog?"

As my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators know, our dog Scotch was very sick and we had to put her down in October. We wanted to get another dog, but we didn't want to do it right away. First, Patrica's last two dogs Xuxa and Scotch were rescued and they came to her in a way. She felt very strongly that she wanted a dog to come to her. Second, we didn't want to just jump out and replace our last pet. Finally, we wanted some time to get Scotchie's hair cleaned out of the house. We were not entirely successful in that because Scotch was a saluki/collie mix and had hair a lot like a collie. That meant that she was either blowing her summer coat or her winter, and that hair was just about everywhere.



So we were waiting for the right time and we did look at dogs once or twice, but it didn't seem right. My wife emailed me and immediately I showed the pictures to people in my office, telling them how we wanted to adopt her from the Humane Society. Everyone who saw the pictures agreed that we should rescue that dog.

Additionally, Friday was my wife's birthday (An Irish-American born on St. Patrick's Day has to be named Patricia...) and a student who she didn't even know came up to her that afternoon and said "Today's your birthday? You should buy a dog." From the mouths of babes.

So Friday, I got home too late for us to go to the shelter. Saturday, we had several errands to run and I started freaking out a bit that we wouldn't be able to get to her. A lot of people go to the shelter on Saturdays and I am very proud that they want to help these animals, but I don't want them to take mine.

So we get there, and a volunteer is standing in the lobby with that very dog on a leash. I walked up to them holding Kiera in my arms and asking about the dog. The volunteer said that they were waiting to see if she would get along with another dog, so we were dismayed to discover that she was most likely taken.

We were in luck, though, as she was soon returned to her cage. We quickly got her from another volunteer and took her out to the courtyard. We were told that we had to spend a half hour if we wanted to adopt and after a few minutes, my wife went back inside and returned with the paperwork filled out. I couldn't believe that thirty minutes went by like that. After an interview and a discussion about her shot records and health, we were walking out of there with a new dog.



The dog is very smart and very sweet. She and I bonded rapidly because, as you know, I am the dog whisperer. She bonded with Patricia and Kiera pretty speedily as well. All she wants to do is play and run when she’s outside, but inside she lies around and is pretty snuggily.

As you can see from the site, her name coming out of the shelter was Cuba. We considered keeping it and I was thinking of stretching it a bit to Cuba Libre, because nothing’s quite like a rum and Coke, but her name swiftly became Shamrock. We found her on St. Patrick’s Day, after all.

Separated at Birth

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages welcome to the show. For today's exciting episode, we will show you stunning evidence that will shock you! We will show you amazing evidence that will astonish you! We will show you astounding evidence that will overpower, overwhelm, paralyze, stun, amaze, and astound you. Utilizing the power of super space age atomic computers, we will show you indisputable, irrefutable evidence that the following people were separated at birth.



Yoda and Kermit!




Captain Picard and Captain Stubing! Amazing, isn't it? Poor Captain Picard spent many of his formative years enduring this comparison. Despite Jean Luc's anguish, we are compelled to also show you this:




Captain Picard, Captain Stubing and professor X! Uncanny, indeed.




Johnny Cab and the Emergency Medical Hologram! What sort of magic is this? No, it is only the magic of science.




Sgt. Slaughter and Jay Leno. Just look at those jaws!




Bulletman and Magneto! OK, at least they probably get their helmets from the same guy.




Are the Hulk and Shrek related? Only their hairdresser knows for sure.




And finally, the Sub-Mariner and Sprok! Their alikeness is bedeviling, is it not?



That's all the time we have today for Mysteries of the Deep. Tune in tomorrow for more eye-popping excitement.

Believe it, or not.

Destiny Awaits

As I stepped into Dr. Destiny’s office, he stood up from his desk to offer me a handshake.

“Come in, come in, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” he said. “I’m more than pleased to see you again. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” I answered. “Sinew Nu wanted me to see you because I just got back from Big Brother Naboo.”

“Oh sure, you’re as fit as a fiddle, I’m sure,” Destiny said. “I did hear through the grapevine that you just got back.”

“Yep,” I nodded. “Just don’t ask me if I won.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Destiny declared. “I’ve been watching it, though, and I know you gave it 110%.”

“Sure I did.”

“You did make it past the final four. I say victory was yours for the taking.”

“Well, I did have to compete against some tough talent.”

“But you have what it takes to go all the way,” Destiny praised. “You’ve been running roughshod all over them.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that,” I replied.

“I mean, you worked like a dog to reign supreme,” he continued. “You played above the rim, you never threw in the towel, and you took it the whole nine yards.”

“I did give it my all.”

“You knew that when it was time to take the plunge, you were ready to step up to the plate. You kept your nose to the grindstone until the cows came home.”

“I think you’re taking this a little far,” I stated.

“You established the running game because you knew it would be in the bag,” Destiny declared. “You know, I consider myself a bit of an armchair quarterback.”

“OK. Sure,” I said.

“And I’m thinking ‘When you’re a Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, you know what it’s going to take to beat the competition,’” Destiny commented. “Oneida just couldn’t run with the big dogs.”

“Ok, if you say so.”

“Typho has too many off the field distractions and Fluke is missing a few pieces of the puzzle. They were both on the hot seat and under fire!”

“So you have it all figured out, huh?”

“Oh sure,” the psychiatrist affirmed. “With you, what you see is what you get. You kept your head in the game and you were ready for your day in the sun.”

“So they couldn’t hold a candle to me,” I smirked. “I had the stuff that dreams are made of.”

“It goes without saying.”

“They were up a creek.”

“You had understated elegance. You came to play.”

“I brought my A game.”

“You showed a lot of heart.”

“It was a war out there.”

“Of epic proportions.”

“It was a one in a million shot.”

“You went out on top.”

“Do you realize,” I said. “We just used every cliché in the book?”

“Oh, I avoid clichés like the plague,” Destiny replied.

“Because you're tough as nails,” I laughed.

“No, because I know when to nip it in the bud.”

Waiting in the waiting room...

While sitting in the waiting room to see Dr. Destiny (I know, it seems like I've been waiting here for days), I decided to catch up on a little reading using the InterN.E.T. Browser on my Wristcomm.

Oh, look, Karnov's tagged me.

1. Favorite Chocolate (Dark, White, Milk): Milk


2. Favorite Pizza Toppings: Just about anything except the little fishies. Garbage, Hawaiian, sausage and onions, it's all good.


3. Favorite Food Question (It's obligatory that every quiz ask this): Yes.


4. Favorite Cheese Type: Monterey Jack


5. Favorite "Pirate" Word or Phrase: Booty, closely followed by "Arrrrrr."


6. Favorite Music Genre: CD's featuring barking dogs that sound like popular songs.


7. Favorite Music Artist: The Ramones.


8. What are you listening to now?: Nothing right now, though The Office was just on.


9. Favorite Movie Genre: I like just about all of them, but I'll say science fiction.


10. Favorite Movie: For a while it was The Package, I really don't have one right now.


11. Favorite TV show: The Simpsons.


12. Favorite Console Game: Shadowrun for the Sega Genesis.


13. Favorite Computer Game: Madden Football


14. Favorite Board Game: Cranium, (though the last one I played was Candyland)


15. Ever play Dungeons and Dragons?: I have.


16. Where are the Cheetos?: In the corner cupboard.


17. Can I have a Mountain Dew?: We just ran out a couple days ago (although I must admit that I drink Diet Dew because I'm watching my girlish figure).


18. Believe in some sort of higher power?: Yes.


19. How many of these quizzes have you ever taken, email or blogs, in your net-surfing career?: Many. Interestingly enough, they mostly come from Karnov.


20. On a scale of banana to zebra, banana being "pink polka-dotted slippers" and zebra being "WTF?", how surreal would a guy taking a shower in a tub full of brightly coloured wrenches and monochromatic cat toys be?: Jazztastic.


21. Have any pets?: Not currently. RIP, Scotchie.


22. If yes on 20, what is the silliest thing you have seen them do?: Uh, 20 is the banana to zebra question, so my answer would have to be "cockamamie underpants."


23. You think Karnov should have ended this quiz 20 questions ago?: Don't kid yourself, you should have ended it much sooner than that.


24. Ever Play 20 Questions?: Yes, but the bottle never pointed to me.


25. Think I get bored on my lunch breaks?: Either bored or too many spiced brownies...


26. Who would win in a fight between Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and that giant robot from that one goofy Beastie Boys Video?: I'm not worried about who would win, I'm worried about the mad scientist who would fuse them together into one destructive force!


27. Could you conceivably use a Terrabyte Harddisk?: Sure, I can keep a lot of PDFs on it!


28. HAH! HAH! I ACTUALLY HAVE A 28th QUESTION!!1! (Unfortunately it is more of a statement): *Slow sarcastic clap*


29. Paper or Plastic?: Paper. Uh, you are talking about underpants, right?


30. Who will you tag to take this quiz next (Pick 1-5)?: My two sidekicks, Hudson and Fluke.

Heading Towards Destiny

I was walking down the halls of IGE towards Dr. Destiny’s office. J’onn Sinew Nu set up the appointment with the company psychiatrist, and although I don’t really appreciate the insinuation that I might need psychiatric help (because I’m fine, really), I figure that if I just go, he says I’m OK and I get to leave.

I passed by Robo-T, he looked at me and stopped.

“You just got back from Big Brother: Naboo, didn’t you?” he asked.

“Yes I did.”

“Did you win?”

“Oh, I can’t tell you that,” I answered. “I signed a form.”

“You can tell me,” he stated flatly. “It would be illogical for me to tell anyone else. Do not be a sucker.”

“Nope. Sorry. Can’t.”

“I pity the fool who won’t tell me who won!” And with that, Robo-T stormed off.

I was almost to Destiny’s office when my old nemeses Abi the Butcher appeared in front of me.

“Tell me who won,” the monster growled.

“I can’t,” I answered. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, Abi isn’t the smartest apple in the barrel, plus he’s got a really short handle that he easily and frequently flies off of.

“Argh!” he howled. “Tell me or I will disintegrate another Monkeyboy!”

“OK,” I answered. “Go right ahead.”

Abi howled again, punched a hole in the wall and stalked off.

I walked into the doctor’s waiting room and sat down to read an issue of Galactic Geographic from four years ago. I looked up when the office door opened and Private Hudson stepped out.

“Hudson, you see Destiny, too?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “The Lieutenant thinks that I have issues. Gosh, he’s such a pogue.”

“You? Have problems?” I asked in mock awe.

“I know!” he answered. “He says I got some kind of bipolar thing or something.”

“Shocking!” I maintained my mock awe.

“I know!” he repeated. “Yeah, so I get to go in and talk to the doc once in a while. I can talk about guns, my job, my mom, you know whatever.”

“Do you talk about bugs?” I asked.

“No talky talky about the buggy buggy,” Hudson wagged his finger.

“Alright, heh,” I answered. “Hey, I understand why you’re here. I’m fine, but that snagnaar Sinew Nu sent me here.”

“You’re fine” Hudson snickered. “That’s funny.”

“What?”

“Oh nothing,” he twittered. “Say, are people still bugging you about who won Big Brother?”

“Yeah, everyone,” I answered. “It’s starting to literally drive me up the proverbial wall.”

“I bet.”

We sat there silently for several minutes.

“So, you gonna tell me?”

“No.”

Return to Hacknor (honest)

I got back to Planet Hacknor were I was going to resume my intergalactic gladiating duties. Hudson was there, and he had the goofiest grin on his face.

"What are you smiling about?" I asked. "You look like Sylvester with a mouth full of Tweety."

"I can't tell you," he smirked. Then he leaned closer. "Top secret."

"Oh," I replied. "It almost looks to me like you were on some kind of classified mission that was later deemed illegal, almost kicked out of the Colonial Marines, but then awarded a certificate of achievement or something."

Hudson's smile dropped. He was silent for few moments.

"It was a certificate of appreciation," he answered flatly. Then he changed the subject. "So tell me, how did you do on Big Brother: Naboo? The final couple weeks haven't aired here yet."

"Oh, I can't tell you," I said. Then it was my turn to lean in closer. "I signed a form that says I can't divulge the ending until it airs."

"Aw come on," Hudson pleaded. "We're a team, Abbot and Costello, Flint and Lady Jaye, Hall and Oates. You can tell me."

"Nope. Nice try, though."

I walked away and soon met my good friend Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm in the hallway.

"Welcome back, friend Jon!" He roared and slapped me on the back. "You are very brave warrior, taking on those pirates, yes?"

"Well, it was tough," I answered. "Somehow, I just knew that I would prevail though."

"Ho ho, yes," Starkey roared. "Big Brother was very fun and exciting! I have but one question, though."

"What?"

"Did you emerge victorious at the game? The ending has not been seen by me yet."

"Oh, I can't tell you," I answered. "I signed a form."

"Is it form like J'onn Sinew Nu's forms?" he asked.

"Oh yeah," I harrumphed. "Just as bad."

"Oh, then you are lucky that you did not sign your entrails away!"

"No kidding," I chuckled. I then made my way to the aforementioned Sinew Nu's office.

"Jon, Jon, Jon," Sinew Nu smiled. He smiled like he was ready to pounce. "You did great on that show. You represented the Intergalactic Gladiating Entertainment (formerly the Intergalactic Gladiating Federation) very well."

"Thanks," I answered. "It was good to see some of my buddies again."

"The only thing is," Sinew Nu said.

OK, he's going to ask, too. I rolled my eyes. "Yes?"

"Did you win?" he asked.

"I can't tell you," I said. "I signed a form."

"Aw, you can tell me," he asserted. "I won't tell anyone."

"Sorry. I just can't."

"Hey, I'm your boss," he answered. "You have to tell me."

"I can't, I signed a form."

"Oooh," he puckered his lips then frowned. "Is it like one of mine?"

"Yeah."

"Heh heh, you're lucky that you got out of there with you gizzard intact."

"Well fortunately, I don't have a gizzard," I answered.

"Hey, I don't know much about your crazy Earth physiology," he snorted. "Which reminds me, you have another appointment with Dr. Destiny. You can see him tomorrow."

"Great," I walked out of the office and made my way back to my quarters. There I was pinged by the comm system.

"Hello?"

"You have a call from Her Majesty Queen Galacta," said the comm tech.

From the Queen? This must be important!

"Put her through!" I said quickly.

"Gladiator, so good to speak to you again," came the Queen's voice over the radio. "You represented your galaxy very well on Big Brother: Naboo."

"Thank you, Your Majesty," I answered. "It was a very interesting experience."

"I have just one question," She said.

"Yes?"

"Did you win?"

Return to Earth, or is it...?

I was returning home from my stint on Big Brother: Naboo. It had been a several long, crazy months and I missed my wife and daughter terribly. Interestingly enough, because of the enigma of space travel, to them it will most likely seem that I just left.

I was entering the Earth’s atmosphere when the Danger Sled began to shudder. I was passing through some strange atmospheric anomaly. My ship shuddered and shook and I spent my time alternating between cursing under my breath and praying that the thing would hold together.

The Danger Sled splashed down in the middle of a pond. I could have sworn by the readings as I was coming in that I got to Chicago, but as I crawled out of the hatch and swam to shore, my surroundings looked completely unfamiliar.

“I don’t think I’m in Kansas anymore,” I muttered to myself. I started walking, looking for a road, a fence, a sign. Anything man-made that could lead me to civilization.

I found something, but it wasn’t what I was looking for. I found the city, but it looked different. It was a movie theater, but it didn’t look right at all.



Then I turned around, and towering over me was a bull, but he was on two feet!

“Hey!” he yelled. He seemed as surprised to see me as I was to see him. “A human!”

I’m not sure what happened next, but I remember running and I remember anthropomorphic bulls yelling and chasing me. They ran me down and threw a net over me.

“Get your hooves off me, you damned dirty cows!” I growled.

“He can talk!” several said in hushed awe. Clearly they were as astonished as I was.

They scooped me up and took me to their wisest scientist, Dr. Hoovus. Hoovus was wary of me, but his scientific curiosity demanded that he study me.

“I haven’t met a talking human before,” he said while absently scratching his jaw with his hoof.

“But you have humans here?”

“Yes, we have ranches here full of them,” he answered. “They’re food, or at least they were until the Mad Human disease came along.”

“Disgusting,” I crinkled my nose. “But where I come from, cows are our food.”

“That thought will disgust me until the humans come home,” Hoovus replied with a chuckle. “Hey, do you want to listen to some moosic?”

I bided my time and earned his trust, but when my opportunity to escape presented itself, I took it. I broke free and ran east as hard as I could. I could hear shouting and alarms behind me, but if I kept going they would never catch me. They wouldn’t have, but then I ran across a crumbling building. The crumbling remains one of Chicago’s most well-known structures.

“Oh my God,” I said out loud. “I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it.”

I collapsed onto the concrete. I pounded my fist onto the ground.

“You maniacs!” I yelled. “You blew it up! Ah, damn you! Damn you all to hell!”

“Um, what are you doing?” Dr. Hoovus was standing over me.

“This is Earth,” I wailed. “I can’t believe we did this. That was the Sears Tower.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied. “Cows built that long ago. Heh, what a mess… such shoddy engineering.”

With that, he drove me back to my ship in his Cattelac so I could fly back home. I know, I could have stretched story out over a couple of days, but I really don’t want to milk this thing.

Kids often say the darndest things

Ah yes, let's take another glimpse at some of the wacky things my daughter has said in the past few months.

Several weeks ago, my daughter Kiera was eating a lollipop while "Can't Stand Losing You" by the Police was on the radio. Kiera started singing "I can't stop licking you" to the tune.

The other weekend, Kiera and I were walking to a hotdog stand and she pointed to a row of stores and exclaimed "Look, daddy, those stores are townhomes!"

A couple days ago, my wife and I were getting her ready for bed when Patricia asked her "Do you need to go pee pee?"

"Yes," she answered. "Because you saw me dancing." As if her dancing around was causing her to have to go to the bathroom.


Just before Christmas, I was getting her changed into a nice dress. She pulled off the dress she was wearing and because the top of her butt was sticking out of her tights she hopped up and down and said "Look daddy, I'm a plumber!" Yeah, I'm very proud to say that she got that from me.

So in conclusion, kids often say the darndest things.

--------------------------------------------

Hey are you paying attention to Bir Brother: Naboo? Because you should be. Make sure you read this post.

Time To Head Home

I walked out of the Joint Chiefs' courtroom clutching my certificate and still in a bit of a daze from the proceedings. When Corporal Ferro saw me, she ran up to me with concern etched on her face.

"Hudson, you OK?" she asked.

"Sure," I said half-absently. "Everything's fine."

"Did they kick you out of the corps or anything?"

"Nope," I answered. "I'm fine. Thanks."

"Well, what did they say?"

"They told me to go back to my old squad and to forget this entire mission altogether," I said, still dazed. "What about you? You were on the mission, too."

"Yeah, a couple Intel guys raked me over the coals a bit, then they let me go," she replied. Her hair bounced slightly as we walked. "They basically said the same thing to me."

"I got a Certificate of Achievement, though."

"That's cool," she said looking at it. "That's worth 3 promotion points, y'know."

We continued to walk, heading towards Ferro's dropship. We got there and headed up the ramp and made our way to the cockpit. She strapped herself into the pilot's seat as I got into the copilot's behind her.

Ferro went through her launch sequence, and after gaining clearance from the control tower, we lifted off and blasted our way to the Sulaco. I thought about my whole experience. Leading a team, the "illegal" mission, facing the Joint Chiefs. I also thought about what General Puller said to me about Ferro.

As we neared our ship, I had to say something.

"Hey Ferro," I spoke up. "You wanna go, uh, get something to eat sometime?"

"You mean like at the chow hall?" she asked, guiding her craft towards the landing bay.

"Naw, I mean like go out to eat. Someplace nice or something."

"Uh, sure," she replied. "I guess so."

"What I'm trying to say is..." I trailed off for a minute. C'mon, Hudson, you're the H-Man. "I really appreciate you."

"Oh. Yeah, I appreciate you, too," she said over her shoulder. "You're a good teammate; a stand-up guy in a bughunt."


What I'm trying to say is that I like you," I managed. "You know, like like."

She started laughing.

"Ha ha, Hudson," her laughter trailed off. "You got me there. You like me, that's so funny."

"Ha ha, yeah," I said. "I got you."

Before we were interupted

“Private Hudson, you are hereby ordered to go back to your unit and never speak of this mission again,” Admiral Victor Pug ordered.

What?

“Excuse me, sir,” I managed to blurt out. “Did you just tell me to go?”

“Clearly the Private doesn’t want to go,” General Patent chuckled gruffly. “If you want, we can keep you here and discuss a different, more severe punishment.”

“No sir,” I answered. “I’ll gladly go back to my old squad.”

“Here’s the deal, Private,” General Sinclair Sheridan announced. “Though this mission was clearly illegal, Her Majesty already made a public announcement of its success. We, the Joint Chiefs, are over the proverbial barrel.”

“The action occurred,” General H. TuTrotte continued. “The details of which will forever remain classified, but we must acknowledge that it did actually happen. Therefore, you are hereby ordered to go back to your old unit and never acknowledge your knowledge of this mission.”

“Yes ma’am,” I said.

“One last thing, Marine,” Admiral Pug said. “Because of the nature of this mission, we can never fully award you for its successful completion. We can, however, award you this Certificate of Achievement.”



Awesome. that’s so cool. On top of that, because it’s a certificate of achievement, it’s worth 3 promotion points. When I become a corporal, that’ll be 3 points closer to sergeant.